In pens and paper

Sleeping Beauty.

Ive always like this character.

For one thing,  all that she ever did is to sleep until her prince find her and save her.

I wish that my prince will come save me one day.

For now, I wish I can sleep through the pain.

Because when Im asleep, I wil forget, even for a moment, the hurt  that Im going through right now.

Im sad.

Im sad because Ive made the person that I dont want to hurt most, down.

Im sad because what the person says makes me feel worthless.

Im sad because no matter how much I regret my mistakes, it still wont change anything.

So forgive me.

Forgive me for letting you down.

Forgive me for lying to you.

Forgive me for hurting you.

Forgive me cause I had cause shame to you.

Forgive me for becoming what I have become today.

Its not what I wanted.

I didnt mean it.

Even if I show you how sorry I am, how regretful I am.

Im still the unwanted kid in your eyes.

Hectic. Its been really hectic. For the past few days, random people has been calling me up and texting me. Apparently a bitch gave out my number in a certain chatroom like a free token. And now, guys have been calling me up in the middle of the night saying I chatted with them and gave out my number. WHO IN THE WORLD CHAT IN CHATROOMS ANYMORE??? Please people, get a life. So I ask these few souls who have been cheated by this bitch, asking for her nick. She or he goes by the nick SHASHA, FARAH, TINI and NURSE. Wow, this person must know me well enough to actually know that im in the healthcare service. So I thought of the possible people whom I might offended and I could only think of one. And in actual fact, I wasnt the one who offended the person in the first place. I cant believe such a low life  person used such childish tactics. Prangai so the budak2. Why dont the peson have the guts to actually call me up instead of passing my number around in stupid chatrooms. Its freaking annoying. I could do the very same to that son of a bitch because I too have the number. But then again, why should I stoop to that level? I might be changing my line soon, or maybe, I shudnt have a hp in the first place. Because of it, Im in this fucked up situation. And maybe, I will then have my alone time again.

The truth.

I learned the truth yesterday.

The truth is that there were never any feelings involved.

The truth is that its all a lie.

So what now?

Am I suppose to let it go and pretend that its okay.

This is not the first time that it happen.

Im not mad, just dissappointed.

I dont see the truth anymore.

-

People are born with imperfections.

Selfishness, greed, arrogance.

But its that little tiny good characteristic of that person that can overcome those imperfections.

In him, I dont find any.

SO WHY?

-

When one day when he had enough, he'll see my point of view and its reason.

Im done wih my 2 weeks attachment.

It was boring and to make things worse its during Hari Raya week.

I dont want to nurse.

I hate it.

I know Ive been saying this since the first year I entered poly.

But PRCP is coming really soon and I dont think I can handle it.

Hari Raya is over and yes as I predicted, it was worse than the previous year.

I spent the day crying my eyes out.

I miss the good old times when we had fun visiting relatives.

I miss the times when I look forward to Hari Raya.

Its different now.

Im leaving it all to fate now.

Im too tired.

I just hope everything will turn out fine.

Im sick of the drama, the tears.

Is it even worth it?

Im breaking down.

I cant take it any longer.

I lost my life.

I lost everything.

Im dying inside.

and he doesnt care.

All I want is to be left alone.

Love should be beautiful.

It shudnt hurt the way it did.

It is not about having someone to be with you just because u need them.

Its about how they feel for one another.

It is not about controlling the other party.

Its about setting them free.

And that makes me think, was it even love at all in the first place?

In life, we cant always get what we want.

I learned that the hard way.

A dear friend of mine once told me that, even if you are at the lowest point in your life and you feel like giving up, there will always be that one person who will watch over you.

Your guardian angel.

Hari Raya is in 2 weeks time. Im not loking forward to it at all. I dont like this Ramadhan. Part of the reason is that Im having attachment during Hari Raya week itself. How sucky is that. And another reason is, well, I dont want to dwell on that again. The worse Ramadhan yet. To make matters worse is that we're not going to have ketupat this year. It would be different. I havent buy baju kurung, We're not going to make kuih. I dont think I even want to go out during Hari Raya. Ouh well, I just want to get it over and done with.

Im sorry, I hurt alot of people without me realising it.

Ive been missing out on gatherings and casual lepak sessions.

Ive been breaking my promises.

Ive been canceling plans at the very last minute.

Ive been avoiding the people who used to make me laugh and just have fun.

And even if I was there out with them now, things would be different.

Its hard. Trying to please everyone is not easy.

They dont understand.

Whats its like to be in that other person's shoes.

They may criticize, they may look down on her but nobody really knows whats going on.

So please dont jugde.

I think she deserve the kind of respect that she rightfully deserves.

She doesnt want it to be this way.

She never planned for what had happened.

It was her mistake.

If she had known, she wouldnt be in this mess right now.

She knows what they've been thinking, what they've been talking.

Because she used to think the same way too.

But it is a different thing when she, herself is in that position.

She's hating herself more then ever now.

She doesnt have a life.

Like a puppet, she's being controlled.

And she cant do anything about it.

So please dont judge.

How long?

How long will this last?

Hasnt she been punished enough.

A girl who used to shine brighter than the star,

Is now broken, down on the ground,

Surrounded by nothing but dirt.

I visited nenek today. Its been a long time since Ive been there. I knew I was letting them down. Im ashamed, of myself. And no matter how much i regretted it, it still wont change anything. Now all I want is to leave. Leave all the memories. I went back to my old apartment. I saw flashes of my life before me. Painful memories I secretly kept at the back of my head came rushing all back. How I was treated when I was little. How much tears I cried at that apartment. I remember I was only in Pri 5 and Ive never felt like coming back home after school. I remember every single holidays thats filled with fights and anger. I remember how I used to hide in the room, cover my ears and keep on crying til I have no more tears left. I remember what he did, how my mum suffered, how we hated him.

Its ironic that what is happening then, its happening to me now. Im ashamed that I let it be this way. All this years, I try to think with my head and not my heart. I try not to let anyone get to me the way he did, not to be hurt. I tried to hate so much that I never really believed in love. I was right. Love doesnt exist. Maybe it did for awhile, but then comes the hurt and the pain. History is repeating itself. Im going through all of it again. I was a fool to let it happen.  I get it now.

What if I said you never mattered
That I never lost a moment of sleep
What if I crushed all of your dreams
And broke all the promises you swore to keep?
Tell me how your life would be
If i did to you what you did to me.

You said you would never hurt me.
You said you would never make me cry.
Well, there’s one thing I can admit.
You tell a perfect lie.

I'm gonna smile like nothing is wrong
talk like everything is perfect, act like
it's just a dream, and pretend he's not hurting me

- Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.